The 14th of November, 2007

I figured it was time for a random update, after five months.

hah.

Life is good, at least for the time being.

And I've been told I write too much,

so thats all I'm going to say.

=]

The 7th of June, 2007

Last day of school tomorrow.

I'm stoked.

I'll write more later, I've gotta get studying for my spanish final. yuckk.

=]

The 5th of June, still 2007

So, its the end of the year, that time when I'm looking back and reflecting on the past school year. And all in all, I think I'm pretty happy about how this past year has gone by. I mean, sure, there've been those times where I've felt awful. I don't really want to use the word "depressed" because it wasn't depression. It was me feeling like nothing was going my way and wishing that things would just get easier. But I'm pretty sure life's not supposed to be easy. Because if it was, it'd be so...blase. (I'm really hoping I used that word in the right context, I'm pretty sure I did though).

Back in August, when school started, I was a totally different person. Well, not totally. I mean, I'm basically the same person deep down, I just think I've learned how to deal with certian situations better and how to really, guenily, be confident in myself. Mainly the last part. Because when school started, being completely honest here, I didn't have a whole big group of friends that actually lived in town. And that totally threw me off. I mean, five of my closest friends all moving away, leaving me with nobody - yeah, it definently threw me. Because for soo many years I had been relying on them to..define me or something. I mean, I was "Tarah's best friend, Tess." or "Tess, that nice girl Hanna always hangs out with." I mean, I knew the kind of person I wanted to be, but not how to actually be that person I had in mind. And at the start of this year, I was virtually on my own. (Sure, I had Nicole, but its different with her; we don't really click like I do with some of my closer friends. We still get along and have a fun time and stuff, but I'm just not really close with her.)

I don't think that, no matter how hard I try, I can really explain exactly what happened. It was a compiliation of events kind of. Just random moments; little things I say, little things someone says to me, math class, swim meets, tripping up the stairs, spilling food all over myself, glances across the hall...anything and everything you could think of, I'd say it had an effect on me in some way. And I'm glad that it did, because for the first time in a long while, I'm happy. Content isn't the right word, because I'm not content...just happy. I'm learning that you can be happy without having to be content.

I always set out to write a blog entry that actually contains real life events or stories. But I end up writing my thoughts, which include vauge stories, if any at all. But I'm not going to try and change that. Because one of the things I'm liking more about myself these days is the fact that I don't feel embaressed when I speak my mind. I feel...empowered, strangly enough.

But I think I need to get going. And hope that not too many people read this, because everytime I post a blog like this, I start to feel exposed or something after I post it. But I'm going to post it, because I wasted so much gosh darn time typing it, when I should have been working on my journalism final or my chemisty review. Ooh well, I suppose this is better "for the soul" in the long run. hahaa. (Excuse my nerdy lingo/expressions)

Three days and Three more years left of high school!

=]

The 21st of May, 2007

Sometimes, I wish things were different.

 I do a lot of times, actually. Which means I'm not content with my life, and I can't imagine that thats a good thing.

I just have to believe that there's more to life than what I have right now. Because if not, then I think I'll be kind of disappointed. But maybe thats just because my expectations are too high. That happens a lot; me setting my expectations too high. I think I'm too much of an optimist. Or something.

But maybe its a good thing, and I just haven't realized that yet.

Maybe,

I should start talking advantage of it.

The 13th of May, 2007

Okay. Its been a while, I know. But I'm just going to pick up right now where my life is. I'm not going to waste all this time backtracking and telling pointless stories about what happened since January, five and a half months ago. I mean, I guess I could try but you can't sum up five and a half months in a single online blog. It just doesn't work that way. I won't remember exactly how I felt at a certian time or exactly what other people said, and it will ruin the story or experience. But I guess I'm also kind of ruining it by not writing it down. So basically, I ruined memories from the past five and a half months by not writing them down. Which kind of is depressing. I don't want to forget my whole freshman year because I didn't document it in any way whatsoever. (Though I probably shouldn't count on this site still being in existance 80 years from now so I can go back and remember) So I'm starting this xanga again. And I don't really care if anyone reads it. In fact, it might be nice if not a lot of people read it. Because then I can say that I might not say if everyone and their brother was reading it. But anyway, here goes..

School's almost out. Only 19 more days. Seniors only have 10 days left. I can't wait to be a senior. Because when I'm a senior, I'll be soooo close to being able to get out of the house, on my own. And I know some people say that its not as great as you hope for it to be. But thats what they said about high school too. And I actually enjoy high school. I mean, aside from the whole school work part. But I think high school's been good for me. I think I've changed a little. I mean, not drastically or anything, but enough to notice a little. I don't know..Just, like, if you go back to me a year or two ago..and then compare that person to who I am now, I'm different. Well, I like to think so at least. And I like to think its different in a good way. But I guess I can't be really postive..You know, I've been thinking about stuff more than usual lately. I don't know why. But I just kind of have. And when I say stuff, I mean life basically. Just like what I want to do with my life and how I want to live my life and stuff. In fourth block all the time, Allysa and I always talk about it together. Its really weird, because I'm generally not a very open, "lets talk about our feeings" kind of person. But we both agree that we want to live our life to the fullest, doing things we love, with people we love. And I'm kind of afraid that I'll waste soo much time trying to find the things and the people I love, that I'll miss the best years of my life. I don't know. I'm not normally like this, I swear. Its just like I said, I've been thinking a lot about this stuff lately.

Well,

I could go back through the past five and a half months. And I'm tempted to. Because in that small stretch of time, so much has happened. And its not been the usual insignificant stuff that seems to happen to me. I think some of what has happened might actually matter in the long run. And that kind of scares me in a way - the fact that the things I do now will effect me for the rest of my life..

But I really need to stop thinking and over analyzing things. So I think I'm going to go paint my nails. Pink, this week. It seems like a good week for the color pink.